Family Dynamics

 
 
Of all the cardinal principles that are universally known, among the most familiar is the biblical dictum, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” It is commonly accepted that this is indeed a noble and lofty ideal and if universally obeyed by all, would guarantee a better world. The prevalent notion is that, oftentimes, people are too self-centered and too self-absorbed to the detriment of others.
 
 
Unfortunately, however, many among us adhere to the converse: they love their neighbor more than themselves. Although this may seem preposterous, think about it for a few moments. How many times have we compared ourselves to a friend or an acquaintance and deemed ourselves inadequate? Is it so unusual to think that our neighbors seem more successful than we are? Maybe they have a better car, or a better career. Maybe they seem more organized or more physically fit. Maybe they just seem to have it “all together all of the time.” How many people can honestly say that they have never compared themselves unfavorably to a neighbor, friend, or acquaintance? In general when we love our neighbor more than ourselves it is because of poor self-esteem or deficient appreciation of the qualities that make us who we are. If we could only find a way to appreciate what we have, both the material and non-material, we would find a multitude of reasons to love ourselves.
 
 
Many years ago I worked as a psychology intern in a psychiatric hospital. One particular middle aged patient left a lasting impression on me. I perceived her as an intelligent and kind person with incredibly warm eyes. Nevertheless, in the course of one of our sessions I asked her to tell me what she saw as her good qualities. She looked at me and stated in a soft and somber voice, “I don’t have any!” She truly believed this, and I was taken back by her statement. While most people do not misperceive themselves to this degree, to some extent many of us share a milder version of her distress.
 
 
It is important to remember that a positive self-image should ideally come from within. If we have to wait for a friend or a relative to compliment us, we may have to wait forever. When we learn to praise ourselves, however, we have at our disposal a constant reservoir of positive reinforcement. In the same vein, we must not allow ourselves to feel devastated by a critical comment from a peer. 
 
 
Studies have shown that a shockingly high percentage of people view their accomplishments as a result of a lucky break, connections, or good timing, and minimize the role of their ability or intelligence. Sometimes even repeated success does not alter this perception. The degree to which we can delude ourselves about our supposed deficiencies seems unlimited. While we often castigate ourselves for a mistake we have made, we are far less generous complimenting ourselves for a job well done. For some reason we are more likely to focus on perceived failures rather than an achievement. While a disappointment assumes mammoth proportions our successes seem miniscule. Sometimes we do not acknowledge them at all. This may take on special significance in an individual who is middle age or older and has to acknowledge and come to terms with the fact that some of the aspirations of their youth may never come to fruition.
 
 
It would serve us well to make an effort to acknowledge our accomplishments; not just the obvious ones, but also the smaller ones like preparing a special meal, doing a favor for someone, or helping a child with his/ her homework. Try telling yourself, “Hey, good job!” Once we start acknowledging our small successes we will feel better about ourselves. We must be careful not to set unrealistic standards for ourselves. To paraphrase a famous quotation, “Don’t let perfect become the enemy of good.”
 
 
Once we value our positive qualities and make a realistic assessment of ourselves, then we will be truly ready to love ourselves.
 
Dr. Joel Verstaendig can be contacted at DrJoelV@aol.com